Good musings

One thing I know that I’ve learned this internship is that I’m extremely talented. Haha. I don’t mean that in a conceited way. I’ve just begun to realize that I can do a ton of things, and that is part of the problem when trying to describe the future to people. They’re like… "So what do you want to do after this internship?" I launch into a big description until their eyes start to glaze over. Oops. I did it again. It’s not my fault I’d like to be a midwife, nurse practitioner, researcher, music therapist, chaplain, high school counselor, masseuse, grief facilitator, oncologist, orphanage owner, adoption coordinator, missionary, soccer playing mom.

The worst problem I have is that I would like change the world in some big way. Percy Jackson would describe this as hubris (not to be confused with hummus). It’s a fancy word for pride (thinking you could do better/save the world/etc.)… which is the grand human sin after all. Actually, I have to confess – “change the world” is my fall back plan. (Don't choke on your diet coke - throw it away, it's rotting your teeth and eating out your liver). I’d much rather get married and raise a joyful family and change the world in small, nondescript ways. Doing something huge to change the world would only be to make up for the fact nobody thought I was worth pursing. It would be to fill the huge ache in my heart. And that’s not a very good plan. (Because everyone knows that you can't fill a hole without a shovel. Er well everyone should know that you can't fix love problems with work. Enough chick flicks should prove that, even if chick flicks are a bunch of bunk.)

But I’ve completely derailed from my main point.

The main point is that this internship has provided me with a huge sense of peace. Most of the year, I wrestled with the feeling that I was going off a huge cliff. I was about to enter a world full of overwhelming choices and I had to make a choice of what I was going to do. The pressure got worse when it seemed like I was going to have to make a choice with something that I really wouldn’t enjoy – something that would squeeze the life and joy out of me. I’ve realized or been reminded of two things. First, my life will (hopefully) be long, in which case, there will be plenty of time for God to lead me all over the place. The nice thing about living with an older person like JoVeta is that you are reminded of how many things you can do in a lifetime. Currently, I picture God taking me to hospitals, houses, positions of all types, countries, etc. I think he’ll utilize every single one of my gifts – art, music, intelligence, humor, skill with children, and great compassion. It’s still VERY frustrating not being able to know which direction He’ll take me, but it just proves the importance of being constantly prepared and ready to go wherever He leads.

Secondly, I’ve been reminded that any place God puts me will not suck the life out of me. It may be hard and painful, but it will not be life-sucking. God gives life – evil gives death. As long as I stay close in proximity to Him – as long as I keep praying – as long as I make room for Him in my life – He will fill me. So even if I end up in some non-descript med-surg floor, on the worst shift, with horrible nurses, and make terrible mistakes – even then I’ll still be gratified by doing God's work and helping the patients who are my priority. And even if I can’t help them the way I would like, I can always listen, always pray, and God will take care of the rest. :) YAY! Praise HIM.