Eating truth and nails

Ever since my computer caught the plague... I've been avoiding all computers like they spread the plague. But then I thought about my enraptured audience and figured I better keep you updated. The last time I wrote a good entry was actually last wednesday (Seems so long ago!). Thursday was a wonderful day in which I astounded the kids with my capture the flag abilities (aka... I can run as fast as a middle school boy... great ;) Apparently I gave everyone something to talk about. Then we had pool time and all the little girls wanted me to hold them... or were having fun "scaring" me by going after my toes.

Friday was a fascinating day. I went to a lecture about elderly abuse and traveler crimes. I learned about a whole new species of criminals I never knew existed. At some points I was quite outraged. I wrote a whole Thursday email about it. But in the end... I was just plain sad. It seems that wherever there is sin, there ends up being quite a lot of sadness. Even though these people were even up to scamming a blind person by "sealing" his roof with water, it ends up being a tragic story when they have to face a life of riches built on lies and lives. Some of the elderly people they take advantage of do die... since their life savings has been pilfered. It's easy to be angry, but it's important to be sad. My conclusion that day is that sinful people need prayer... oh that means all of us :) Hehe... but seriously, people who sin and don't realize the consequences need a special prayer... and maybe a nudge of the truth.

Saturday was the marked a new low in the internship. Here's my deep confessions
June 16 God-journal entry

Saturday was a miserable day of realizing how bad it can be to be bored. I had planned to see UP but I didn't go because I was so bored of sitting. I started it out watching that intriguing but gravel-like in the stomach movie, Keith. (Note: I'm referring to the biblical verse that you can gorge yourself on a rich man's food but it will turn to gravel in your stomach later). Then I got depressed over Jesse McCartney being a "born again Christian" and putting out lousy, crude, and lewd music. (Note: There are some things I hate to admit... because I'm just plain weird! I mean... first of all... what am I doing paying attention to a pop star? Silly) Then I got frustrated with ATI stuff and didn't eat lunch. Then I wandered through Wichita looking at all the major book stores and being depressed by all the horrible books in the world. Then I got that blasted hankering for Howl's Moving Castle. (Note: I was tired of movies that I have no previous experience with - they always let me down) but I resisted the idea of spending $23 for it. Here comes the part I regret the most - I got the brilliant idea to stream the movie instead. Then I contracted a virus unknowingly. (Note: This feels very similar to having contracted a veneral disease... not that I would know from first hand experience... but it seemed like I was trying to fill a gaping hole with the same type of restless, grasping, promiscuous nature... and instead I got a big fat virus). Then I watched it on google videos. Then slowly my computer went to Hades (Percy Jackson - I've read you too much). (Note: saying my computer went to Hades is not supposed to be shocking... or refer to Hell. It refers explicitly to the land of the dead...which is why even in my God journal I noted that it was from reading too much about Greek mythology). Then I got hysterical. Then I forgot to lock all the doors. Then I woke in the middle of the night because Molly was barking her head off. Then Satan put fear in my heart. Then I came upstairs and found all the doors unlocked and the inner door to the garage open. Then I put on the alarm system and crept back to bed. As I lay shivering, I imagined every litttle sound as someone creeping around the house - and Molly wouldn't shush up from 1:40 am until 2:30 am, I lay cowering in a painful ball trying to sleep - but paralyzed in unreasonable fear. That was Saturday - corpulant and horrible.

This is a very exact, truthful, and painful account of the events of Saturday.

A continued exerpt from my God journal shows that Sunday was a breath of fresh air. Thankfully JoVeta came home that day... so no more sleeping in the house alone terrified.

Monday I took a Food Handlers class, visited the grocery, and tried to do banking (silly me... I forgot that I wouldn't have a bank here...)

Then by Tuesday I needed help processing things and wrote that journal entry. Tuesdays are crazy because we have hospital visits, pastoral care team meeting, staff meeting, and Three Trees Grief work. The computer guy at the church tells me that my computer files can't be saved - I cry. We visit R. and (get this) the father of the man who's selling JoVeta's deceased friend's estate. I call my dad who tells me not to give up on my computer. JoVeta adds hope by describing her Russian techie who we are waiting on to help me. I write thank you notes for graduation gifts (it hardly seems right to be graduated already when I still have friends graduating from high school!). Then we discussed George Tiller which is where I needed processing time.

JoVeta thought of him in a new light as a martyr. I was appalled. My processing went something like this. A martyr dies for Christ - not for "a cause". End thought. However, I do think I'm not praying enough for this town, JoVeta, my friends. New thought: Ever since my computer died... I've been thinking, "What does Satan want? He wants me to lose sight of the goal. He wants me to be so paralyzed in fear or selfishness that I neglect to pray for others. Solution - pray even harder. Any time I even think about the computer - I turn it into a prayer for someone else - Ceci, Alex, Nick Baas, Blake, Sarah, Vi... the list is endless.

Next we visited Yetta and talked more about Tiller. Yetta is the parish nurse in the Lutheran church where Tiller was shot. I love listening. Sometimes you can tell the most therapeutic medicine for somoene is to be listened to. People don't want even 1 word of advice, similar stories, or sympathy - just an "mmhmm" will suffice. Yetta speaks about how bad the hospital is. She thought it might have changed because of all the new ads claiming "patient centered care" but it hasn't changed a bit. She sat on a bed pan that bit into her legs for an hour because the CNA didn't come. They messed up her meds and her diet. I get so tired of hospitals and discouraged. How do you make any headway? To have a good staff - you have to start changing 1 heart at a time and I can't give someone compassion. We can do heart transplants, but only God can change stone into flesh. JoVeta has a little reminder on her computer that says...

I can't. He can. I'll let him.

So that's my motto when I think of hospitals. You can't let yourself get discouraged. The battle is already won.

Side note (this is still part of the journal entry) I missed my mom and MI today acutely. It seems like I don't really go a day without it. I love where I am so it seems contrary to be missing MI with so much pain, but I do! I miss my friends, my mom's hugs, my cats, movies with my dad, sleepovers, cherries, Lake MI, gardening. But's it's going to be over so fast! It really is. Once June is over I only have 1 more month.

Side note (still in the entry). I need to call Sara, David, Sarah, Jules, Hope, Rachel, Ceci... and others. I will call you guys and I am thinking of you!

So that's it - quite a lot in fact. There's quite a bit percolating in my little head. So much pain in everyone's life. But I did go for my first good long run. So to make sure I never have another day like Saturday or waste another moment worrying. Here's what I need to get:

Exercise, 1 hr of quiet time, outdoor time, journal time, ATI study time, and an attitude/focus on prayer NOT worry.

Something I discovered early in the internship is that I developed quite a vicious habit of stressing. The last months of school were absolute adrenaline, nonstop, no room for mistakes, busyness. If something came up, I panicked, fixed it, and went on dreading the next mistake. You know... mistakes are ok. I can't lose in this game. I have to keep telling myself that. I am the biggest loser. I already lost. I've already been redeemed. Now I just have to believe and respond in action. And bear fruit :) Mmmm I think I'll bear cherries

Love, Katie