Eating truth and nails

Ever since my computer caught the plague... I've been avoiding all computers like they spread the plague. But then I thought about my enraptured audience and figured I better keep you updated. The last time I wrote a good entry was actually last wednesday (Seems so long ago!). Thursday was a wonderful day in which I astounded the kids with my capture the flag abilities (aka... I can run as fast as a middle school boy... great ;) Apparently I gave everyone something to talk about. Then we had pool time and all the little girls wanted me to hold them... or were having fun "scaring" me by going after my toes.

Friday was a fascinating day. I went to a lecture about elderly abuse and traveler crimes. I learned about a whole new species of criminals I never knew existed. At some points I was quite outraged. I wrote a whole Thursday email about it. But in the end... I was just plain sad. It seems that wherever there is sin, there ends up being quite a lot of sadness. Even though these people were even up to scamming a blind person by "sealing" his roof with water, it ends up being a tragic story when they have to face a life of riches built on lies and lives. Some of the elderly people they take advantage of do die... since their life savings has been pilfered. It's easy to be angry, but it's important to be sad. My conclusion that day is that sinful people need prayer... oh that means all of us :) Hehe... but seriously, people who sin and don't realize the consequences need a special prayer... and maybe a nudge of the truth.

Saturday was the marked a new low in the internship. Here's my deep confessions
June 16 God-journal entry

Saturday was a miserable day of realizing how bad it can be to be bored. I had planned to see UP but I didn't go because I was so bored of sitting. I started it out watching that intriguing but gravel-like in the stomach movie, Keith. (Note: I'm referring to the biblical verse that you can gorge yourself on a rich man's food but it will turn to gravel in your stomach later). Then I got depressed over Jesse McCartney being a "born again Christian" and putting out lousy, crude, and lewd music. (Note: There are some things I hate to admit... because I'm just plain weird! I mean... first of all... what am I doing paying attention to a pop star? Silly) Then I got frustrated with ATI stuff and didn't eat lunch. Then I wandered through Wichita looking at all the major book stores and being depressed by all the horrible books in the world. Then I got that blasted hankering for Howl's Moving Castle. (Note: I was tired of movies that I have no previous experience with - they always let me down) but I resisted the idea of spending $23 for it. Here comes the part I regret the most - I got the brilliant idea to stream the movie instead. Then I contracted a virus unknowingly. (Note: This feels very similar to having contracted a veneral disease... not that I would know from first hand experience... but it seemed like I was trying to fill a gaping hole with the same type of restless, grasping, promiscuous nature... and instead I got a big fat virus). Then I watched it on google videos. Then slowly my computer went to Hades (Percy Jackson - I've read you too much). (Note: saying my computer went to Hades is not supposed to be shocking... or refer to Hell. It refers explicitly to the land of the dead...which is why even in my God journal I noted that it was from reading too much about Greek mythology). Then I got hysterical. Then I forgot to lock all the doors. Then I woke in the middle of the night because Molly was barking her head off. Then Satan put fear in my heart. Then I came upstairs and found all the doors unlocked and the inner door to the garage open. Then I put on the alarm system and crept back to bed. As I lay shivering, I imagined every litttle sound as someone creeping around the house - and Molly wouldn't shush up from 1:40 am until 2:30 am, I lay cowering in a painful ball trying to sleep - but paralyzed in unreasonable fear. That was Saturday - corpulant and horrible.

This is a very exact, truthful, and painful account of the events of Saturday.

A continued exerpt from my God journal shows that Sunday was a breath of fresh air. Thankfully JoVeta came home that day... so no more sleeping in the house alone terrified.

Monday I took a Food Handlers class, visited the grocery, and tried to do banking (silly me... I forgot that I wouldn't have a bank here...)

Then by Tuesday I needed help processing things and wrote that journal entry. Tuesdays are crazy because we have hospital visits, pastoral care team meeting, staff meeting, and Three Trees Grief work. The computer guy at the church tells me that my computer files can't be saved - I cry. We visit R. and (get this) the father of the man who's selling JoVeta's deceased friend's estate. I call my dad who tells me not to give up on my computer. JoVeta adds hope by describing her Russian techie who we are waiting on to help me. I write thank you notes for graduation gifts (it hardly seems right to be graduated already when I still have friends graduating from high school!). Then we discussed George Tiller which is where I needed processing time.

JoVeta thought of him in a new light as a martyr. I was appalled. My processing went something like this. A martyr dies for Christ - not for "a cause". End thought. However, I do think I'm not praying enough for this town, JoVeta, my friends. New thought: Ever since my computer died... I've been thinking, "What does Satan want? He wants me to lose sight of the goal. He wants me to be so paralyzed in fear or selfishness that I neglect to pray for others. Solution - pray even harder. Any time I even think about the computer - I turn it into a prayer for someone else - Ceci, Alex, Nick Baas, Blake, Sarah, Vi... the list is endless.

Next we visited Yetta and talked more about Tiller. Yetta is the parish nurse in the Lutheran church where Tiller was shot. I love listening. Sometimes you can tell the most therapeutic medicine for somoene is to be listened to. People don't want even 1 word of advice, similar stories, or sympathy - just an "mmhmm" will suffice. Yetta speaks about how bad the hospital is. She thought it might have changed because of all the new ads claiming "patient centered care" but it hasn't changed a bit. She sat on a bed pan that bit into her legs for an hour because the CNA didn't come. They messed up her meds and her diet. I get so tired of hospitals and discouraged. How do you make any headway? To have a good staff - you have to start changing 1 heart at a time and I can't give someone compassion. We can do heart transplants, but only God can change stone into flesh. JoVeta has a little reminder on her computer that says...

I can't. He can. I'll let him.

So that's my motto when I think of hospitals. You can't let yourself get discouraged. The battle is already won.

Side note (this is still part of the journal entry) I missed my mom and MI today acutely. It seems like I don't really go a day without it. I love where I am so it seems contrary to be missing MI with so much pain, but I do! I miss my friends, my mom's hugs, my cats, movies with my dad, sleepovers, cherries, Lake MI, gardening. But's it's going to be over so fast! It really is. Once June is over I only have 1 more month.

Side note (still in the entry). I need to call Sara, David, Sarah, Jules, Hope, Rachel, Ceci... and others. I will call you guys and I am thinking of you!

So that's it - quite a lot in fact. There's quite a bit percolating in my little head. So much pain in everyone's life. But I did go for my first good long run. So to make sure I never have another day like Saturday or waste another moment worrying. Here's what I need to get:

Exercise, 1 hr of quiet time, outdoor time, journal time, ATI study time, and an attitude/focus on prayer NOT worry.

Something I discovered early in the internship is that I developed quite a vicious habit of stressing. The last months of school were absolute adrenaline, nonstop, no room for mistakes, busyness. If something came up, I panicked, fixed it, and went on dreading the next mistake. You know... mistakes are ok. I can't lose in this game. I have to keep telling myself that. I am the biggest loser. I already lost. I've already been redeemed. Now I just have to believe and respond in action. And bear fruit :) Mmmm I think I'll bear cherries

Love, Katie

Virus

So... I think God likes to teach me what it's like to deal without a computer considering the first week I was without one... and now my computer has contracted a terrible virus. I think it's utterly wiped out. I have no idea how to retrieve it. At least JoVeta has one. So that's where I am now... kind of despairing. If you could just pray for me... not to worry over things before they're completed (who knows... I'll probably be able to save the drive even if it costs me $200... and that's the most important part - saving all my photos, my thursday emails, my important school papers) Ahhh Lord, if only I better trusted your promises and your plans.

Fail

Misery. Doom. Shame.

I hate tests

I hate being tested

I hate feeling stupid

I am not good at trusting

I am not good at not worrying

I am not good at being humble

I hate ATI and NCLEX and most especially NURSING.

The END

And so the first passes

Meryl died today. I will never be able to go back with books.

Thank God she's with Him.

Bugspray and onions

Today I hopped on a schoolbus with random elementry age kids on the way to summer "games" camp. A sweet little girl named Abby let me sit with her. For just one brief minute I felt bereft... because as we passed a lavendar grey camry... I thought "Kids go together with Chris. I can't be with a whole bunch of kids without him!" (Hope camp is going well for you, my friend) Then two little girls nearby broke out whispering and giggling at me until they finally broke out "I like your braids"... "I like your shorts" "I like your purse". I was off to a good start. As I laughed through parachuting (not from a plane... you remember the little kid version of it right?) blind volleyball, amd hula-hooping while blowing bubbles... I saw things weren't always smooth. We had two very sullen children in our group - one who was rescued from watching TV all day. He took to me, or probably I took to him. He sat alone while we were trying to blow bubbles and do hula hoop...

"I can't blow bubbles... I've TRIED and TRIED. I don't want to hula-hoop." Then he came out with the real problem. "My dad's going to be mad at me. I brought the bug spray and now it's all gone."

"I bet you could take home one of the bugsprays that the camp has." I said

"The counselors will be mad at me." He objected

"Oh no... why don't we ask?"

There was one order taken care of. Later he ran up to me with a soda. "Can you open this up for me?" My goodness, I love children!

Cathy (the pastor) and I went to subway for lunch and both had onions in our subs. We laughed because we smelled like bugspray and onions... and we were going to visit people in the hospital! We had a riot but upon coming to the hospital, I sobered real quickly. Our patient had suffered asystole and coded whereupon she had a pacemaker implanted. She had tubes coming out everywhere... which I am used too... but never comfortable with. She couldn't even talk poor thing. We didn't stay near long enough to my mind. I'm entirely sure that the worst thing is to be in the hospital with no one to talk to... and even when they do come... you can't talk! I would just want someone to stay close... maybe read to me from a book. Maybe next time I visit, I'll bring a book.

It's looking like severe weather again. We already had hail and a tornado warning. I'm LOVING the wild weather. I always did like storms.

My ATI stuff was extremely frustrating yesterday, so after calling my mom when I thought I was going to go mad... I took the day off and read two extremely long books. I'm sure I shot my eyes out... but it was worth it. Francine Rivers is quite an author. I remembered quickly how Kristina wanted me to read Redeeming Love... but I think "A Voice in the Wind" and "An Echo in the Darkness" even better if possible. What I find intriguing about the books is the combination of healing and spirituality that occurs in the second book. It's a lot like what I tried to speak about in my 19 page honors paper. 100% of people's health is complicated by their finances, their social life, their sins, their diet. Half the time people just need a gentle touch and a listening ear and they feel better. Love given in God's name does physical miracles. And you can't separate the physical problems from it. The doctor can repair your heart... but you will just end up back in the hospital if you don't stop giving yourself high blood pressure with stress and poor diet. Even more beautiful is the fact that I first saw the book "A Voice in the Wind" in someone's hands on the airplane coming home. It's definitely and God implant. Let's hope it blooms in some way. :)

I feel more at home... the more people I meet. I heard someone playing the piano in the church... and commented. Then I realized they were playing warm up scales. They weren't going to play piano... they were going to sing. Cathy said, "Oh it's opera season... and we have a GREAT choir. Sometimes members who are in the opera come to practice here" Later as we flew past the room, she paused and said..."It's M... (Yeah... I can't spell his name) Have you met him?" And with that she swept me into the room. I stared into a handsome face with dark curls above the piano. He got up and shook my hand and said "I've read about you in the newsletter (groan... EVERYBODY seems to have!) so I feel like I know something about you" I don't know what I replied... but then Cathy swept me back out... and said "Everybody has a crush on him" Whereby I sincerely replied, "I think he's too old for me" (I do think he is. It's very difficult to place an age on him. But I think he's at least 30) Undaunted Cathy said, "Just wait till you hear him sing"

I can't wait! However, don't worry. I am in no mood to fall in love.

On that note, I bid you adieu :)

Much love (and prayer!)
Katie

The klutz queen

So today I had my first meeting with the pastor. After our extensive tour - in which I got very turned around - she said, (YES... it's a she!) "What do you want for your internship? And I was like... "I thought you were going to tell me what to do" It's kind of crazy working with two separate mediums - nursing and ministry. Yet they are intertwined for me. I'm not really sure what I'm trying to get out of it. (specifically from the church I mean). I simply expected to be connected with it in whatever JoVeta was doing. I love people... I love kids. I don't want to spend all the time with kids. I want to learn how to write a good sermon... because I love writing and teaching. I don't really want to shadow a pastor in all regard though since I'm pretty sure I'm not a pastor - I'm a prophet. There's a big difference. I've written a Thursday email consistently for about 3 years now. My mom thinks I should try to turn it into a devotional for teens. I don't want to write another trite, self-help, mundane little thing that will clog up the arteries of the bookstore. I do think my mom's idea has potential. I'm just not sure how that gets into the picture. My biggest interest is in people themselves. I'd like to be involved in the grief support groups, the children's ministry, and the homeless outreach. I'm innovative - so maybe I'll dream up some things to add to the ministry (like that Farmer's Market of Jonathan's church... that is a really cool idea). Perhaps though... what I suspect is the most important... is for me to be me and to bring God's new life to everyone I meet in specific ways. I already have a lot of things on my mind that I'm not exactly sure belong in a public blog. I am praying hard for JoVeta, my neighborhood, the little ones under this post who don't know the love of Christ, and for so many other things that are breaking my heart. And of course, as always... I'm praying for you with lots of thought and love.

After the meeting, I got back to the car and promptly found I had locked myself out! (Now I do have one excuse for being such a klutz). I have two pairs of key chains... one for the house/car and one for the church.) I called triple A and waited for an hour... which gave me time to browse the Economy corner... which is a really neat thrift store that the church runs (speaking of neat ministries). I bought a copy of the Scarlet Pimpernel for 35 cents... and promptly read it in two hours. (Course I did skim through because I've read it so many times).

But that act is NOTHING compared to my flight klutz. Upon receiving the customary glass of water given to passengers on a flight, I promptly dumped the entire glass into my seat. And furthermore, I sat in it for the remainder of the flight. I honestly didn't think there was anything anyone could do. Only later, when I asked the flight attendant for a new glass of water explaining my predicament did I realize rescue was possible... when the attendant said I could have a new cushion. However, by then the damage was irrevocable. My jeans were soaked through to the bone. :).

And of course (mom you're going to be sad - I keep forgetting to tell you). I lost the bathrobe my mother bought just for propriety's sake... but I had used CONSTANTLY (since being sick makes one very cold) Sorry mom. You're right that I needed it! I miss it.

And before that I left my boarding pass on the plane....

And... well you get the idea. I tend to be rather scatterbrained. I don't think it's getting any better considering today. But all's well that ends well. Thank you Jesus! :)

Much love,
Katie

Family

Here's a terrible picture of me... with Hannah. We had a lot of fun :)



Look at those eyelashes!




Mac is Hannah's cousin. He turned three. That's a candle he's fixated on. It was said of them that they could sell Gap...

Yup. Pure cuteness