Currently I think the most terrifying thing about God is His choice to give us choice. It’s terrifying because of the vicious depravity it made possible…and because of the raw and immense pain God opened Himself up to. A God who can choose to be gouged with such ferocious sin and rebellion… is terrifying. With one eye shut the choice looks like weakness, but with both eyes open it has an inhuman strength to it. What it proves is that God is wholly other… or Holy. He is waiting with an everlasting patience, bearing every anguish that humans experience, so that we might choose Him again… and again.
The next most terrifying thing is my ability to choose sin over God -despite the way it deeply wounds God and despite the judgment that hangs over my head. We all live under the guillotine so to speak – the only difference is that Jesus is holding it back for Christians. So although I am spared, each choice of sin I make swells the judgment that came down on Christ. Someone once wrote that our sin held Jesus to the cross… I’m beginning to see the enormity of the truth in that. Sometimes I think that I sin mostly because I’m so careless. Maybe it would help me choose God over sin if I remembered every morning the judgment Christ is upholding from coming down over my head… and that any choice apart from God adds more weight and pain to that judgment.
I was reading Oswald Chambers (Boy he doesn’t mince his words). He says this about sin. “If sin rules in me, God’s life in me will be killed; if God rules in me, sin will be killed. There is no possible ultimate but that. The climax of sin is that it crucified Jesus and what is true in the history of God on earth will be true in your history and in mine”. WHEW. Once in a while it’s nice to have those black and white moments. It frees me to BATTLE. You cannot have two masters… when I choose sin… I am killing or x-ing out God’s life. So YAHHHHH I had better wake up and fight! I don’t want to be spit out as lukewarm because I was careless and sleepy. (You know those sleepy days where you’re like… eh. I can let my mind wander… not think about the admirable and praiseworthy things. Eh I can complain about this annoying woman. Eh… I can read this stupid People magazine. It can’t hurt). But it sure can. Pretty soon all your head is full of is complaints, scandal, gossip, and half naked men or women. Heh… sorry my complaint is magazines. But anyway, there’s no point any even dwelling two seconds on those things. There are people to pray for, praises to sing, thanks to give, peace to receive, joy to laugh, terrifying aspects of God to ponder… well you get the picture. This morning, I spent outside instead of in the dark adoration chapel. With the world flung beneath me (I was kind of on this hill) I burbled praises up to the blue sky with no one but God to hear. It was lovely. I thought maybe that I could go on singing forever.
Just making the choice to praise instead of curse can set you back on the path to peace and righteousness and win the battle over sin for a moment.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
My sudden new thought for the day...
Monday, June 22, 2009
Chronicles
Today: I had the first moment of jubilee "on the job" so to speak. JoVeta and I had a meeting with someone who has a grant to do research with a children's program. They are trying to get these great books about recognizing child illnesses (when to go to the doctor versus when it's ok to be at home etc) distributed. However, since it's research, it's complicated by pre and post surveys. Many of the parish nurses trying to get the books out are getting frustrated by a lack of partcipation and interest. As I was listening to their conversation, all of a sudden a thought came in unbidden. Then an order came. "Speak" So out tumbled my incomplete thought, "You know when we did surveys at my college, sometimes it helped if there was some kind of incentive" I can't even remember how the conversation went after that... but it seemed like ideas really started flowing. We talked about possible getting nursing student in the fall to help out. Now it's my job to write up a job description. Spanish speakers are preferred (also due to some of my comments).
What I've realized about changing the world is that if you have the right situation... it's really quite easy. All it takes is a fertile ground and a bunch of interested and committed people. Ha. That's the hard part... "the right situation" - fertile ground and interested/committed people. That's why I think it really depends on the Lord. I had no idea what I was going into this morning, but God did... and He was pretty excited about it. All of the rich college education you have had... all of the life experiences you've gained (painfully sometimes)... all of your gifts and dreams are valuable... and can be sowed into other's lives to really make a difference. Don't get discouraged, you never know what piece of you God wants to use to bring about shalom - wellness, wholeness, and flourishing.
Sunday: Church was fun. All the kids from camp yelled "KATIE!" and gave me hugs. I introduced myself to Alli's grandmother and she reached out and asked if she could touch my hair. She said "You are so pretty... I'm not quite blind... but..." and then touched both sides of my head. I had compliments from moms and little girls on my dress. (You know you have a good dress when BOTH the moms and the little girls like it) My mom says that I better learn that I'm beautiful. We had brunch at Granite City... it was amazing (I mean, who has ribs at brunch? JoVeta says that Tim and Sam love going to Granite City... because it has huge hamburgers. The brunch was all you could eat... and I was stuffed after one plate!) and expensive (I'm still not used to going out to eat!). I went for a run, but it just about killed me. I went a little too early when the sun was still out and the humidity was like 90%. EHHH
Saturday: I can't really remember what I did that day. However, I did something really cool that evening. I went and served at the Lord's Diner. The Lord's Diner is this amazing place that serves the homeless and lower income people food 365 days a year! It's paid for with donations and grants. They must serve 100-200 people every day. It's mad crazy. I served desserts. One man said that he'd take some jello, but my smile was better. After all the compliments I've had in my life... you would think that I would have great esteem... or a big head :) Hmmm (pats head) I think it's still the same size.
Friday: Oh my gosh... I completely forgot! I spent all of Thursday and Friday with the kids at VBS. That's right! There was so much I wanted to say... but I'm getting exhausted. Let's see. My shouldars still ache from doing "underdogs". I swear that kids' favorite phrase is "WATCH ME!" Sometimes I felt torn by five different little kids yelling "KATIE! Look at me!" I felt some progress at the two little boys I've fallen in love with. I seem to fall for the troubled ones. I told you about Brandon before. He's the little one that couldn't blow bubbles and was worried about the bugspray. He also draws pictures of people blowing up people in every means possible. Thursday he told me that my dive off the diving board was awesome. I said thanks off handedly right before he dove underwater. When he came up, I heard a faint "your welcome". I almost fell over in the water with surprise. It's not that he's rude... it was just icing on the cake for him. His brother Kollin is just a year or two older than him... and just as much a troublemaker. But the Friday, I thought my heart would break. Somehow the kids all know what "year" according to the Chinese calendar that they were born it. It was the funniest thing when they all erupted with "I'm a rat!" "I'm a dog" etc. Anyway, Kollin was like "my mom's a monkey" and Xoi was eating a banana. She decided to say... "You should give her this banana. She'll like it if she's a monkey" Of course she was joking, but it hit Kollin funny. I think maybe it's because of complicated family part of their life. At any rate, he had tears that rose and stood in his eyes. I valiantly tried to pretend I didn't see... and made Xoi apologize even though I knew she didn't "mean it". Boy did I just want to sweep him up and hold him tight.
I taught Xoi how to braid and how to play string games Jacob's ladder... cat's cradle... the works. In fact, I had five kids learning how by the end of bus ride. Kollin got as far as "cat's whiskers" and told me the next day that he still had the string. Xoi dragged me to meet her mother because she talks about me so much that her mom wanted to meet me. Phoenyx regularly throws his arms around me.
It's funny how the past haunts you. I called Phoenyx, Conner because he reminds me of a little red head that I used to swim with. I think that Patrick looks like a Brian because of my 5th grade love... and I'm pretty sure that Justin was supposed to be a Patrick. He's this slim middle schooler (one of the counselors) with long curly blond hair. He looks so much like someone out of a movie. I had it figured out at one point... but I've lost it. He also talks with a bit of a drawl that so reminds me of someone. I've got to figure this out. He's another one I've fallen in love with. (Yes Nick... you're right... you fall in love when you least expect it) but seeing that he's at least 7 years my junior :) Well let's just say I love them all - pretty equally. I'll put up pictures of camp if I get them.
Anyway, that should probably be all for now. I've done quite a bit once again. (Sorry Blake... I'm not doing to well on the chilling out) I knew that I would be happier doing something with a set schedule Thursday and Friday. Luckily, it was as much fun as it was work.
What I've realized about changing the world is that if you have the right situation... it's really quite easy. All it takes is a fertile ground and a bunch of interested and committed people. Ha. That's the hard part... "the right situation" - fertile ground and interested/committed people. That's why I think it really depends on the Lord. I had no idea what I was going into this morning, but God did... and He was pretty excited about it. All of the rich college education you have had... all of the life experiences you've gained (painfully sometimes)... all of your gifts and dreams are valuable... and can be sowed into other's lives to really make a difference. Don't get discouraged, you never know what piece of you God wants to use to bring about shalom - wellness, wholeness, and flourishing.
Sunday: Church was fun. All the kids from camp yelled "KATIE!" and gave me hugs. I introduced myself to Alli's grandmother and she reached out and asked if she could touch my hair. She said "You are so pretty... I'm not quite blind... but..." and then touched both sides of my head. I had compliments from moms and little girls on my dress. (You know you have a good dress when BOTH the moms and the little girls like it) My mom says that I better learn that I'm beautiful. We had brunch at Granite City... it was amazing (I mean, who has ribs at brunch? JoVeta says that Tim and Sam love going to Granite City... because it has huge hamburgers. The brunch was all you could eat... and I was stuffed after one plate!) and expensive (I'm still not used to going out to eat!). I went for a run, but it just about killed me. I went a little too early when the sun was still out and the humidity was like 90%. EHHH
Saturday: I can't really remember what I did that day. However, I did something really cool that evening. I went and served at the Lord's Diner. The Lord's Diner is this amazing place that serves the homeless and lower income people food 365 days a year! It's paid for with donations and grants. They must serve 100-200 people every day. It's mad crazy. I served desserts. One man said that he'd take some jello, but my smile was better. After all the compliments I've had in my life... you would think that I would have great esteem... or a big head :) Hmmm (pats head) I think it's still the same size.
Friday: Oh my gosh... I completely forgot! I spent all of Thursday and Friday with the kids at VBS. That's right! There was so much I wanted to say... but I'm getting exhausted. Let's see. My shouldars still ache from doing "underdogs". I swear that kids' favorite phrase is "WATCH ME!" Sometimes I felt torn by five different little kids yelling "KATIE! Look at me!" I felt some progress at the two little boys I've fallen in love with. I seem to fall for the troubled ones. I told you about Brandon before. He's the little one that couldn't blow bubbles and was worried about the bugspray. He also draws pictures of people blowing up people in every means possible. Thursday he told me that my dive off the diving board was awesome. I said thanks off handedly right before he dove underwater. When he came up, I heard a faint "your welcome". I almost fell over in the water with surprise. It's not that he's rude... it was just icing on the cake for him. His brother Kollin is just a year or two older than him... and just as much a troublemaker. But the Friday, I thought my heart would break. Somehow the kids all know what "year" according to the Chinese calendar that they were born it. It was the funniest thing when they all erupted with "I'm a rat!" "I'm a dog" etc. Anyway, Kollin was like "my mom's a monkey" and Xoi was eating a banana. She decided to say... "You should give her this banana. She'll like it if she's a monkey" Of course she was joking, but it hit Kollin funny. I think maybe it's because of complicated family part of their life. At any rate, he had tears that rose and stood in his eyes. I valiantly tried to pretend I didn't see... and made Xoi apologize even though I knew she didn't "mean it". Boy did I just want to sweep him up and hold him tight.
I taught Xoi how to braid and how to play string games Jacob's ladder... cat's cradle... the works. In fact, I had five kids learning how by the end of bus ride. Kollin got as far as "cat's whiskers" and told me the next day that he still had the string. Xoi dragged me to meet her mother because she talks about me so much that her mom wanted to meet me. Phoenyx regularly throws his arms around me.
It's funny how the past haunts you. I called Phoenyx, Conner because he reminds me of a little red head that I used to swim with. I think that Patrick looks like a Brian because of my 5th grade love... and I'm pretty sure that Justin was supposed to be a Patrick. He's this slim middle schooler (one of the counselors) with long curly blond hair. He looks so much like someone out of a movie. I had it figured out at one point... but I've lost it. He also talks with a bit of a drawl that so reminds me of someone. I've got to figure this out. He's another one I've fallen in love with. (Yes Nick... you're right... you fall in love when you least expect it) but seeing that he's at least 7 years my junior :) Well let's just say I love them all - pretty equally. I'll put up pictures of camp if I get them.
Anyway, that should probably be all for now. I've done quite a bit once again. (Sorry Blake... I'm not doing to well on the chilling out) I knew that I would be happier doing something with a set schedule Thursday and Friday. Luckily, it was as much fun as it was work.
Popsicles
This evening was interrupted wonderfully by JoVeta's son and grandson. Sam is the famous grandchild who had part of his finger snapped off in a game of tug of war when the roped broke. Intense I know! I've seen it with my own eyes. It's not as bad as you would think... but it still looks pretty awful. Basically the pad behind the nail of his left ring finger is ripped off (and his finger's broken). Anyway, they came to fix JoVeta's tree which was bent to a 45 degree. Here we all are (minus me since I'm taking the picture). I thought you'd enjoy a picture of JoVeta finally! It's not a great pciture of anyone... but I felt funny snapping too many pictures - I mean I'm not the popparazzi or anything... whew I can't even spell that. So anyway, I had a fun moment... JoVeta went to get stakes and rope so Mike, Sam, and I were hanging out aimlessly. I was furiously trying to figure out some way to make them feel welcome and at home when I remembered we had bought popsicles at the grocery store (my request). I dashed inside and grabbed the box feeling full of trepidation. "I HOPE they'll accept them" I thought, "I always feel so rejected when I try to do something nice and people aren't on the same wavelength". Lucky me, they accepted the popsicles as happily as I gave them. I love this family so much already!
I officially met them on Friday when we dropped by to pick up some things and ended up having a lovely steak, potatoes, and brussel sprout dinner. Mike was delighted that I liked brussel sprouts (thank you grandfather and grandmother). (I had seconds - I must be one of the only people in the world that likes asparagus and spinach and brussel sprouts). They wanted to introduce me to Bridget (she's 21 just like me) but she's a counselor at the camp Sam was at when he injured his finger. However, they convinced her to come home July 1st to meet me which I thought was really sweet since I really am lonely for people my age. I haven't met one yet! I guess lonely wouldn't be quite the right word, because I must say that I'm enjoying this time on my own... but bored would be a good word. There's no one to confide in or laugh like mad with... that's why I eat up my time with the kids at church. Anyway, Bridget and I are apparently a lot alike - she wants to go to Africa and she loves playing soccer too. :)
Here are some more pictures of the house. Mom you're going to smile :)
This is the kitchen - it's the first view I saw coming into the house from the garage.
This is part of the living room. There's a big couch to the left that I'm currently sitting on composing this. I haven't taken pictures of my room yet, but I should. It's really nice. Ok well, that's it for this post. I'll post another one in a minute because there's just so much to catch up on.
R. I. P. BECAUSE IT'S FIXED!
"Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead."
You may all rest in peace because my computer has been raised from the dead! Apparently, it had a terrible dustbunny... not surprising since the condition of my room was extremely dusty. It also had a virus... but the little Russian techie said it was less of a problem than the dust bunny. Thank you very much for all of your prayers. I have been very calm this week.
Let's see... I have lots more to tell... but I can't concentrate at all.
You may all rest in peace because my computer has been raised from the dead! Apparently, it had a terrible dustbunny... not surprising since the condition of my room was extremely dusty. It also had a virus... but the little Russian techie said it was less of a problem than the dust bunny. Thank you very much for all of your prayers. I have been very calm this week.
Let's see... I have lots more to tell... but I can't concentrate at all.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
BTW - BTK
By the way... now that I've caught you up on the week's news, I still need to process today. Today I learned more than I wanted to know about BTK. Bind Torture and Kill - the local serial killer from Wichita. Thankfully, he's behind bars... and he's been there for a while. JoVeta likes to tell me outrageous stories. Most of what I have to process is what we discuss. :)
Anyway, it turns out this BTK was the president on a board of another Lutheran church. (Yetta says that Lutheran churches just don't seem to be doing well). JoVeta says that it isn't Lutherans... (of course not) that churches are full of hypocrites and it could happen to any church. She mourns the fact that there seems to be no safe place. She also said that God works amazingly (because the pastor of the church where BTK was - has been able to minister greatly to the pastor of Yetta's church). Sometimes I get tired of her saying that God is so good. I am trying to figure out why. I like saying that God is good. Sometimes I think that I just hate it when people act like me because I want to go on thinking that I am unique. See what a terrible person I am? No more terrible that anyone else (I am getting better at not beating myself up) Other times, I think it's because I feel like we're talking about two different beings. She talks about God with so much confidence... and I feel like I can never get my mind around Him. He's always bigger than I think. He is good... but when I say it... I say it with a touch of awe. She says it like He's her next door neighbor. When I think about it in my head - I think it's a good thing. She is absolute in her confidence of him. And at her age... I think that's appropriate. Is it possible to be too confident in God? That seems like a ridiculous question. Maybe I'm just not used to other people talking about God so familiarly. It's what I want! I've always complained that people don't share how God is working in their life enough.
That's another thing that happened this school year. I got completely "religioused out". I was so lectured out that I couldn't stand to put one more fact in my head... not even a sermon. Everything just seems the same. I don't feel like I can learn any more head knowledge. I just need all the head knowledge to go to the heart. It's working... in the most biblical ways. I knew that when I felt the need to read James that I was in for it.
James starts out "Consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials and temptations of every kind" Oh boy... I'm going to spoil the Thursday email... but here goes. Right before my computer crashed I read Paul's words from Corinthians (I think)
"In our hearts, we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves, but on God, who raises the dead" 2 Cor 1:9. It came back to me in my hysterics the night my computer went. The next day I wrote it out again. "In our heart's we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God who raises the dead" Even a dead computer Lord? That was my question. The main point though... is not whether God will raise my dead computer, but whether I will rely on the Lord. I realized right away how important my computer was to me... and how much I relied on it. It held communication to my friends and family, it held achievements and papers I wrote for school, it held stories and dreams and poems I wrote... it seemed to hold everything. And then I thought... I must AT LEAST rely on God more than I seem to rely on this computer. It really does feel like a sentence of death to lose what you love... physical death sentences would be more terrible - but in the end it comes down to what you love. Do you love God- or something/someone else? You cannot love both. And God raises the dead. That's like whoa! :)
OK I had more to say, but I'm exhausted and it's late. So I bid you adieu. None of the last two entries were particularly coherent. I would hone the writing, but what the heck... I said I'd give you truth and nails. It doesn't have to be perfect :)
Anyway, it turns out this BTK was the president on a board of another Lutheran church. (Yetta says that Lutheran churches just don't seem to be doing well). JoVeta says that it isn't Lutherans... (of course not) that churches are full of hypocrites and it could happen to any church. She mourns the fact that there seems to be no safe place. She also said that God works amazingly (because the pastor of the church where BTK was - has been able to minister greatly to the pastor of Yetta's church). Sometimes I get tired of her saying that God is so good. I am trying to figure out why. I like saying that God is good. Sometimes I think that I just hate it when people act like me because I want to go on thinking that I am unique. See what a terrible person I am? No more terrible that anyone else (I am getting better at not beating myself up) Other times, I think it's because I feel like we're talking about two different beings. She talks about God with so much confidence... and I feel like I can never get my mind around Him. He's always bigger than I think. He is good... but when I say it... I say it with a touch of awe. She says it like He's her next door neighbor. When I think about it in my head - I think it's a good thing. She is absolute in her confidence of him. And at her age... I think that's appropriate. Is it possible to be too confident in God? That seems like a ridiculous question. Maybe I'm just not used to other people talking about God so familiarly. It's what I want! I've always complained that people don't share how God is working in their life enough.
That's another thing that happened this school year. I got completely "religioused out". I was so lectured out that I couldn't stand to put one more fact in my head... not even a sermon. Everything just seems the same. I don't feel like I can learn any more head knowledge. I just need all the head knowledge to go to the heart. It's working... in the most biblical ways. I knew that when I felt the need to read James that I was in for it.
James starts out "Consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials and temptations of every kind" Oh boy... I'm going to spoil the Thursday email... but here goes. Right before my computer crashed I read Paul's words from Corinthians (I think)
"In our hearts, we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves, but on God, who raises the dead" 2 Cor 1:9. It came back to me in my hysterics the night my computer went. The next day I wrote it out again. "In our heart's we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God who raises the dead" Even a dead computer Lord? That was my question. The main point though... is not whether God will raise my dead computer, but whether I will rely on the Lord. I realized right away how important my computer was to me... and how much I relied on it. It held communication to my friends and family, it held achievements and papers I wrote for school, it held stories and dreams and poems I wrote... it seemed to hold everything. And then I thought... I must AT LEAST rely on God more than I seem to rely on this computer. It really does feel like a sentence of death to lose what you love... physical death sentences would be more terrible - but in the end it comes down to what you love. Do you love God- or something/someone else? You cannot love both. And God raises the dead. That's like whoa! :)
OK I had more to say, but I'm exhausted and it's late. So I bid you adieu. None of the last two entries were particularly coherent. I would hone the writing, but what the heck... I said I'd give you truth and nails. It doesn't have to be perfect :)
Eating truth and nails
Ever since my computer caught the plague... I've been avoiding all computers like they spread the plague. But then I thought about my enraptured audience and figured I better keep you updated. The last time I wrote a good entry was actually last wednesday (Seems so long ago!). Thursday was a wonderful day in which I astounded the kids with my capture the flag abilities (aka... I can run as fast as a middle school boy... great ;) Apparently I gave everyone something to talk about. Then we had pool time and all the little girls wanted me to hold them... or were having fun "scaring" me by going after my toes.
Friday was a fascinating day. I went to a lecture about elderly abuse and traveler crimes. I learned about a whole new species of criminals I never knew existed. At some points I was quite outraged. I wrote a whole Thursday email about it. But in the end... I was just plain sad. It seems that wherever there is sin, there ends up being quite a lot of sadness. Even though these people were even up to scamming a blind person by "sealing" his roof with water, it ends up being a tragic story when they have to face a life of riches built on lies and lives. Some of the elderly people they take advantage of do die... since their life savings has been pilfered. It's easy to be angry, but it's important to be sad. My conclusion that day is that sinful people need prayer... oh that means all of us :) Hehe... but seriously, people who sin and don't realize the consequences need a special prayer... and maybe a nudge of the truth.
Saturday was the marked a new low in the internship. Here's my deep confessions
June 16 God-journal entry
Saturday was a miserable day of realizing how bad it can be to be bored. I had planned to see UP but I didn't go because I was so bored of sitting. I started it out watching that intriguing but gravel-like in the stomach movie, Keith. (Note: I'm referring to the biblical verse that you can gorge yourself on a rich man's food but it will turn to gravel in your stomach later). Then I got depressed over Jesse McCartney being a "born again Christian" and putting out lousy, crude, and lewd music. (Note: There are some things I hate to admit... because I'm just plain weird! I mean... first of all... what am I doing paying attention to a pop star? Silly) Then I got frustrated with ATI stuff and didn't eat lunch. Then I wandered through Wichita looking at all the major book stores and being depressed by all the horrible books in the world. Then I got that blasted hankering for Howl's Moving Castle. (Note: I was tired of movies that I have no previous experience with - they always let me down) but I resisted the idea of spending $23 for it. Here comes the part I regret the most - I got the brilliant idea to stream the movie instead. Then I contracted a virus unknowingly. (Note: This feels very similar to having contracted a veneral disease... not that I would know from first hand experience... but it seemed like I was trying to fill a gaping hole with the same type of restless, grasping, promiscuous nature... and instead I got a big fat virus). Then I watched it on google videos. Then slowly my computer went to Hades (Percy Jackson - I've read you too much). (Note: saying my computer went to Hades is not supposed to be shocking... or refer to Hell. It refers explicitly to the land of the dead...which is why even in my God journal I noted that it was from reading too much about Greek mythology). Then I got hysterical. Then I forgot to lock all the doors. Then I woke in the middle of the night because Molly was barking her head off. Then Satan put fear in my heart. Then I came upstairs and found all the doors unlocked and the inner door to the garage open. Then I put on the alarm system and crept back to bed. As I lay shivering, I imagined every litttle sound as someone creeping around the house - and Molly wouldn't shush up from 1:40 am until 2:30 am, I lay cowering in a painful ball trying to sleep - but paralyzed in unreasonable fear. That was Saturday - corpulant and horrible.
This is a very exact, truthful, and painful account of the events of Saturday.
A continued exerpt from my God journal shows that Sunday was a breath of fresh air. Thankfully JoVeta came home that day... so no more sleeping in the house alone terrified.
Monday I took a Food Handlers class, visited the grocery, and tried to do banking (silly me... I forgot that I wouldn't have a bank here...)
Then by Tuesday I needed help processing things and wrote that journal entry. Tuesdays are crazy because we have hospital visits, pastoral care team meeting, staff meeting, and Three Trees Grief work. The computer guy at the church tells me that my computer files can't be saved - I cry. We visit R. and (get this) the father of the man who's selling JoVeta's deceased friend's estate. I call my dad who tells me not to give up on my computer. JoVeta adds hope by describing her Russian techie who we are waiting on to help me. I write thank you notes for graduation gifts (it hardly seems right to be graduated already when I still have friends graduating from high school!). Then we discussed George Tiller which is where I needed processing time.
JoVeta thought of him in a new light as a martyr. I was appalled. My processing went something like this. A martyr dies for Christ - not for "a cause". End thought. However, I do think I'm not praying enough for this town, JoVeta, my friends. New thought: Ever since my computer died... I've been thinking, "What does Satan want? He wants me to lose sight of the goal. He wants me to be so paralyzed in fear or selfishness that I neglect to pray for others. Solution - pray even harder. Any time I even think about the computer - I turn it into a prayer for someone else - Ceci, Alex, Nick Baas, Blake, Sarah, Vi... the list is endless.
Next we visited Yetta and talked more about Tiller. Yetta is the parish nurse in the Lutheran church where Tiller was shot. I love listening. Sometimes you can tell the most therapeutic medicine for somoene is to be listened to. People don't want even 1 word of advice, similar stories, or sympathy - just an "mmhmm" will suffice. Yetta speaks about how bad the hospital is. She thought it might have changed because of all the new ads claiming "patient centered care" but it hasn't changed a bit. She sat on a bed pan that bit into her legs for an hour because the CNA didn't come. They messed up her meds and her diet. I get so tired of hospitals and discouraged. How do you make any headway? To have a good staff - you have to start changing 1 heart at a time and I can't give someone compassion. We can do heart transplants, but only God can change stone into flesh. JoVeta has a little reminder on her computer that says...
I can't. He can. I'll let him.
So that's my motto when I think of hospitals. You can't let yourself get discouraged. The battle is already won.
Side note (this is still part of the journal entry) I missed my mom and MI today acutely. It seems like I don't really go a day without it. I love where I am so it seems contrary to be missing MI with so much pain, but I do! I miss my friends, my mom's hugs, my cats, movies with my dad, sleepovers, cherries, Lake MI, gardening. But's it's going to be over so fast! It really is. Once June is over I only have 1 more month.
Side note (still in the entry). I need to call Sara, David, Sarah, Jules, Hope, Rachel, Ceci... and others. I will call you guys and I am thinking of you!
So that's it - quite a lot in fact. There's quite a bit percolating in my little head. So much pain in everyone's life. But I did go for my first good long run. So to make sure I never have another day like Saturday or waste another moment worrying. Here's what I need to get:
Exercise, 1 hr of quiet time, outdoor time, journal time, ATI study time, and an attitude/focus on prayer NOT worry.
Something I discovered early in the internship is that I developed quite a vicious habit of stressing. The last months of school were absolute adrenaline, nonstop, no room for mistakes, busyness. If something came up, I panicked, fixed it, and went on dreading the next mistake. You know... mistakes are ok. I can't lose in this game. I have to keep telling myself that. I am the biggest loser. I already lost. I've already been redeemed. Now I just have to believe and respond in action. And bear fruit :) Mmmm I think I'll bear cherries
Love, Katie
Friday was a fascinating day. I went to a lecture about elderly abuse and traveler crimes. I learned about a whole new species of criminals I never knew existed. At some points I was quite outraged. I wrote a whole Thursday email about it. But in the end... I was just plain sad. It seems that wherever there is sin, there ends up being quite a lot of sadness. Even though these people were even up to scamming a blind person by "sealing" his roof with water, it ends up being a tragic story when they have to face a life of riches built on lies and lives. Some of the elderly people they take advantage of do die... since their life savings has been pilfered. It's easy to be angry, but it's important to be sad. My conclusion that day is that sinful people need prayer... oh that means all of us :) Hehe... but seriously, people who sin and don't realize the consequences need a special prayer... and maybe a nudge of the truth.
Saturday was the marked a new low in the internship. Here's my deep confessions
June 16 God-journal entry
Saturday was a miserable day of realizing how bad it can be to be bored. I had planned to see UP but I didn't go because I was so bored of sitting. I started it out watching that intriguing but gravel-like in the stomach movie, Keith. (Note: I'm referring to the biblical verse that you can gorge yourself on a rich man's food but it will turn to gravel in your stomach later). Then I got depressed over Jesse McCartney being a "born again Christian" and putting out lousy, crude, and lewd music. (Note: There are some things I hate to admit... because I'm just plain weird! I mean... first of all... what am I doing paying attention to a pop star? Silly) Then I got frustrated with ATI stuff and didn't eat lunch. Then I wandered through Wichita looking at all the major book stores and being depressed by all the horrible books in the world. Then I got that blasted hankering for Howl's Moving Castle. (Note: I was tired of movies that I have no previous experience with - they always let me down) but I resisted the idea of spending $23 for it. Here comes the part I regret the most - I got the brilliant idea to stream the movie instead. Then I contracted a virus unknowingly. (Note: This feels very similar to having contracted a veneral disease... not that I would know from first hand experience... but it seemed like I was trying to fill a gaping hole with the same type of restless, grasping, promiscuous nature... and instead I got a big fat virus). Then I watched it on google videos. Then slowly my computer went to Hades (Percy Jackson - I've read you too much). (Note: saying my computer went to Hades is not supposed to be shocking... or refer to Hell. It refers explicitly to the land of the dead...which is why even in my God journal I noted that it was from reading too much about Greek mythology). Then I got hysterical. Then I forgot to lock all the doors. Then I woke in the middle of the night because Molly was barking her head off. Then Satan put fear in my heart. Then I came upstairs and found all the doors unlocked and the inner door to the garage open. Then I put on the alarm system and crept back to bed. As I lay shivering, I imagined every litttle sound as someone creeping around the house - and Molly wouldn't shush up from 1:40 am until 2:30 am, I lay cowering in a painful ball trying to sleep - but paralyzed in unreasonable fear. That was Saturday - corpulant and horrible.
This is a very exact, truthful, and painful account of the events of Saturday.
A continued exerpt from my God journal shows that Sunday was a breath of fresh air. Thankfully JoVeta came home that day... so no more sleeping in the house alone terrified.
Monday I took a Food Handlers class, visited the grocery, and tried to do banking (silly me... I forgot that I wouldn't have a bank here...)
Then by Tuesday I needed help processing things and wrote that journal entry. Tuesdays are crazy because we have hospital visits, pastoral care team meeting, staff meeting, and Three Trees Grief work. The computer guy at the church tells me that my computer files can't be saved - I cry. We visit R. and (get this) the father of the man who's selling JoVeta's deceased friend's estate. I call my dad who tells me not to give up on my computer. JoVeta adds hope by describing her Russian techie who we are waiting on to help me. I write thank you notes for graduation gifts (it hardly seems right to be graduated already when I still have friends graduating from high school!). Then we discussed George Tiller which is where I needed processing time.
JoVeta thought of him in a new light as a martyr. I was appalled. My processing went something like this. A martyr dies for Christ - not for "a cause". End thought. However, I do think I'm not praying enough for this town, JoVeta, my friends. New thought: Ever since my computer died... I've been thinking, "What does Satan want? He wants me to lose sight of the goal. He wants me to be so paralyzed in fear or selfishness that I neglect to pray for others. Solution - pray even harder. Any time I even think about the computer - I turn it into a prayer for someone else - Ceci, Alex, Nick Baas, Blake, Sarah, Vi... the list is endless.
Next we visited Yetta and talked more about Tiller. Yetta is the parish nurse in the Lutheran church where Tiller was shot. I love listening. Sometimes you can tell the most therapeutic medicine for somoene is to be listened to. People don't want even 1 word of advice, similar stories, or sympathy - just an "mmhmm" will suffice. Yetta speaks about how bad the hospital is. She thought it might have changed because of all the new ads claiming "patient centered care" but it hasn't changed a bit. She sat on a bed pan that bit into her legs for an hour because the CNA didn't come. They messed up her meds and her diet. I get so tired of hospitals and discouraged. How do you make any headway? To have a good staff - you have to start changing 1 heart at a time and I can't give someone compassion. We can do heart transplants, but only God can change stone into flesh. JoVeta has a little reminder on her computer that says...
I can't. He can. I'll let him.
So that's my motto when I think of hospitals. You can't let yourself get discouraged. The battle is already won.
Side note (this is still part of the journal entry) I missed my mom and MI today acutely. It seems like I don't really go a day without it. I love where I am so it seems contrary to be missing MI with so much pain, but I do! I miss my friends, my mom's hugs, my cats, movies with my dad, sleepovers, cherries, Lake MI, gardening. But's it's going to be over so fast! It really is. Once June is over I only have 1 more month.
Side note (still in the entry). I need to call Sara, David, Sarah, Jules, Hope, Rachel, Ceci... and others. I will call you guys and I am thinking of you!
So that's it - quite a lot in fact. There's quite a bit percolating in my little head. So much pain in everyone's life. But I did go for my first good long run. So to make sure I never have another day like Saturday or waste another moment worrying. Here's what I need to get:
Exercise, 1 hr of quiet time, outdoor time, journal time, ATI study time, and an attitude/focus on prayer NOT worry.
Something I discovered early in the internship is that I developed quite a vicious habit of stressing. The last months of school were absolute adrenaline, nonstop, no room for mistakes, busyness. If something came up, I panicked, fixed it, and went on dreading the next mistake. You know... mistakes are ok. I can't lose in this game. I have to keep telling myself that. I am the biggest loser. I already lost. I've already been redeemed. Now I just have to believe and respond in action. And bear fruit :) Mmmm I think I'll bear cherries
Love, Katie
Monday, June 15, 2009
Virus
So... I think God likes to teach me what it's like to deal without a computer considering the first week I was without one... and now my computer has contracted a terrible virus. I think it's utterly wiped out. I have no idea how to retrieve it. At least JoVeta has one. So that's where I am now... kind of despairing. If you could just pray for me... not to worry over things before they're completed (who knows... I'll probably be able to save the drive even if it costs me $200... and that's the most important part - saving all my photos, my thursday emails, my important school papers) Ahhh Lord, if only I better trusted your promises and your plans.
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