Liberal* Minstry

*And by liberal... I do not mean radical left wingism* But I thought it might catch your eye.

I was trying to get a word that grasped the breadth of the matter. Synonyms for liberal actually include lavish and generous (I know right? How on earth did liberals get so far from their own definition? Everyone can do their own thing... except Christians. "Oh wait... you can't talk about God... and you can't talk to him either") AHEM. *Sorry*

Politics aside. I titled my post in such a way because I am learning that the diameter of ministry practically stretches from east to west. Monday I attended a meeting entitled "Task Force on Ministry to the Poor in our Neighborhood" You think the title's a mouthful? You should have been at the meeting! Anyway, the main speaker was a lady from Open Doors which kind of reminds me of Guiding Light (even though I really don't know the details of Guiding Light). Open Doors targets the homeless and disenfranchised so to speak. They have clothing, financial counseling, a place for healthcare, housing and other referral services. You've probably all met similar minstries.

But what struck me was when the lady speaking said "When I was in seminary, I never thought I'd be a landlord" Here she is managing about nine small houses worrying about plumbing and other random housekeeping things. A lot of us are headed toward seminary... but that is only the tip of our adventures. There is such a rich and varied life ahead of us. Prepare to be amazed!

Today we closed on the estate for C., JoVeta's friend who died last year. On the way, she said... this is ministry too. As far as it seems from ministry, it is also a part of my ministry. I've told a couple people that one of my goals is to be the best neighbor possible. I also want to be the best friend, the best mother (even if I don't get married) and the best nurse that I can be. I am pretty sure that I am not going to be a pastor, but I want to be a minister to as many people as possible. Neighborhoods are great places to make relationships, because you're around the same people. See someone regularly? Try and make a trusting relationship with them... and sometime check on their soul state. Throw out some of Ren's questions... or your own to get them talking. Everyone likes to talk about themsevles. Then plant the gospel in whatever way you can - even if it's just. I believe in Jesus Christ who died and rose again so that I could be saved. :)

As a result of that meeting, I now appear to be spearheading the "Bench Ministry"* We have locked gates around the church because otherwise everyone would come in and use the bathroom... so to be more friendly there are benches right outside the gates in the front of the church. LOTS of people lounge out there. The easiest way to minister to them is to go out and talk to them! But as we can't even get the deacons to pray with members in hospice (too scary!), JoVeta didn't even want to bring up the suggestion. However, I thought it was a great idea, and we both realized that I'm more gungho about this idea because I'm "young" and used to charging into relationships (haha). I also have a good knowledge of mental illness and won't be too alarmed by people exhibiting strange behavior. I'll know when to get out. Of course, I'm not dumb enough to do this on my own, nor would JoVeta let me, but who am I to get to join me when there are no other people my age?

The unsuspecting ADOLESCENT of course. I am currently stalking and ready to pounce... (uh you might have spent too much time in Africa Katie). My plan is to do a crash prep course on what to expect, what to say, what to do, what NOT to do... and then spend a couple of afternoons with some senior high out on the benches. Sounds like fun right? I'm PUMPED... ew did I just say that? I serverely dislike that word. I'M EXCITINATED!

*Note - we joked seriously on how this is not a ministry to the benches. We figured the benches would be very bored by our message. End note.

Art Gallery

Jewels on a Leaf I



Mad Scientist's Brain (aka a walnut)



Jewel's on a Leaf II (I can't quite get the cool reflection right)



Deserted Beauty





Dragon's Eye (Jewel's on a Leaf III)

The show

So... fireworks are legal here in KS. They're going off right now actually :) Yesterday was pretty sweet. In one direction, there was a man made show... in the other direction there was a super awesome lightning storm going on. I felt God as like "Well I INVENTED fireworks!" cept I don't think He was that sarcastic. :) One lightning bolt rocked the entire car that I was sitting in at a stoplight. I was pretty excited. Something about lightning. I like a little bit of danger. I hope that someone finds out I'm not a complete bore.

Two neighbor guys run their own cologne shop from their house via internet. Anyway, I was investigating this... um THING... that sounds like a cross between a woodcock and a cicada (It must be some kind of bug). But I was creeping around looking like an idiot... and those guys were out, so I said hi to cover up my weird behavior and be friendly. And somehow (ironically... after my post) they got to asking whether I drank. When I said... no... not really. They were like, "Oh... what do you do for fun?"And I was like... uh... well I read books" LAME I know. But I was flustered. I should have been like....

Aww man.. I can't even come up with a good come back now. There are two chittering swallows in a mud nest above my head. I can't concentrate with them arguing so. It must be their fault. :)

Seriously though... I need a good come back for explaining the AWESOMENESS of WHOA.... I just got distracted by a spider spinning a web above me. Gosh, the world is just such a fun place when you stop and look at the details. That's what I'm talking about. I have plenty of fun without drinking. Why drink when there are swallows arguing... and spiders weaving beauty... and lightning raising the hair on your neck (not to mention your heartbeat) and people always getting into new trouble. :)

God's work... His show is heartstoppingly dangerous and exciting. I mean it's not everyone who gets to help build a kingdom. Not even super heroes are in the business of saving souls from THE most devious schemer in the universe. Not everyone has the eyes to see the beauty in everything and push people toward that beauty. Not everyone realizes that they are loved unconditionally by the creator of the stars. But they need to! Oh God... they need to!

Help us to remember that we are warriors Lord... we are fighting a battle for lives. We are not brave or courageous... but you call us to be. Let us put on the armour of God - 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. 19Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. Ephsians 6:14-19

Full House

Here's a picture of me and Joveta...

Then Molly was miffed that we didn't have her in it... so here's the full house!

Grief

Today I did a full day of training for facilitating grief groups. I learned a lot. Every day I'm amazed by how much I don't know! Most of the time, it's things that I've already taken to heart because of an awesome mother... who's also a walking encyclopedia/the queen of common sense. However, I'm still amazed by my own ignorance.

What was born out of today is an idea to start a grief support group at Calvin. I don't know if we already have one... but one led by students would be pretty sweet. I'm already laden with a bunch of really cool ideas. I want to start painting my rocks already! See... in one of the activities you take out rocks one at a time. Each rock has a feeling painted on it... like HURT... or POWERLESS... or guilty... or tired. Then you pass the rock around and whoever is holding it can "own the feeling" and talk about why they feel that way... or pass the rock on. At the end, you can put all the rocks back into a bag and then have each person carry the bag. (These are fairly hefty rocks by the way). You can say... see how heavy it is? Imagine if you tried to carry all that around without unpacking some of it! How would you feel? That's why it's so important to talk about how you feel with people you trust. Ok so maybe it's a children's activity... but I think it would help me. It's fun just to hold the stones in your hand.

Anyway, it seems that a lot of my interests have one common theme. You have to be a really good listener. I did as a Barnabas, I did as a nursing student, even in SWAT you have to listen well (that's my improv group by the way). Being a good listner is difficult. You have to express connection, but not take over the conversation. You have to be empathetic without being sympathetic. You have to bite your tongue about 7 million times. And number one, you have to remember that you CAN'T FIX things. The rule in counseling or facilitating is always that the clients have to fix themselves... but in the greater scheme of things (aka with eyes of faith) we have to remember that we can't fix people - only God can do that.

Well enough rambling. I thought I would write three posts to make up for the writer's block I had since Tuesday :)

Love and prayers to all (hey if I'm praying for random unknown people hurt/struggling by alcohol... then I'm definitely praying for you too!)
Katie

I have an answer...

For years, I've refused alcohol. For 20 years, it's because I've been underaged. Not breaking the law is cool...

I've been thinking about this for a good amount of time. People like to harass me... why won't you have a glass of wine? Are you afraid of it? Are you being a snit? (Don't ask me... I just made that word up. It's a word that describes how some people make me feel).

I refuse perhaps permanently to drink alcohol... because it's my prayer. I hate the stuff. I have seen too much pain over it. I have seen too many anguished people whose marriages are breaking up because one of them is an alcoholic. I have seen too many broken hearted mothers and fathers whose child has died from a drunk driver. I have seen too many hurting girls who have been raped because of the influence of alcohol. I have seen too many people abusing others, acting stupid, and dying because of it.

Let's back up. I'm NOT stupid. I realize that it's the people's choice and not the alcohol that is evil. However, for many people, alcohol is kind of like sin. You wet your foot (or your tongue) and think... ooo very nice. And then all of a sudden you're drowning. So why tempt yourself?

When I refuse alcohol, it's my prayer that if someone around me is struggling to not drink, that I will give them enough bolster to refuse a drink as well. I extrapolate it even further. When I refuse to drink, I remember all the people that have been hurt by alcohol and I fight back for them... not just in the act, but in prayer. When I am with friends, I'd rather figgle (aka: food giggle. Arielle made that word up because I get really happy when I eat) than get really happy on a drink. And what other reason is there to drink it than to be social and feel a little happier? I really don't think I'm missing that much and if I am? Well there's always heaven.

Thank you for listening. Now you can call me a snit. :)

Yours crying out for the world
Katie

Work hard play hard

Well, no one can say that I'm being worked to death! JoVeta has planned for us to see a play directed by her (?) grandson I think, we're going to try to see UP tomorrow if it's still in theaters, we're scheduled to visit the salt mines July 10th, and we're going to a Keith Urban concert... so can somebody tell me who the heck he is and what I should expect? :) I love being out of the media loop. That's all for this post. I mainly just wanted to ask who Keith Urban was. :) I'm writing short posts in a series so as not to overwhelm you. It's like... um... pizza rolls :)

My sudden new thought for the day...

Currently I think the most terrifying thing about God is His choice to give us choice. It’s terrifying because of the vicious depravity it made possible…and because of the raw and immense pain God opened Himself up to. A God who can choose to be gouged with such ferocious sin and rebellion… is terrifying. With one eye shut the choice looks like weakness, but with both eyes open it has an inhuman strength to it. What it proves is that God is wholly other… or Holy. He is waiting with an everlasting patience, bearing every anguish that humans experience, so that we might choose Him again… and again.


The next most terrifying thing is my ability to choose sin over God -despite the way it deeply wounds God and despite the judgment that hangs over my head. We all live under the guillotine so to speak – the only difference is that Jesus is holding it back for Christians. So although I am spared, each choice of sin I make swells the judgment that came down on Christ. Someone once wrote that our sin held Jesus to the cross… I’m beginning to see the enormity of the truth in that. Sometimes I think that I sin mostly because I’m so careless. Maybe it would help me choose God over sin if I remembered every morning the judgment Christ is upholding from coming down over my head… and that any choice apart from God adds more weight and pain to that judgment.

I was reading Oswald Chambers (Boy he doesn’t mince his words). He says this about sin. “If sin rules in me, God’s life in me will be killed; if God rules in me, sin will be killed. There is no possible ultimate but that. The climax of sin is that it crucified Jesus and what is true in the history of God on earth will be true in your history and in mine”. WHEW. Once in a while it’s nice to have those black and white moments. It frees me to BATTLE. You cannot have two masters… when I choose sin… I am killing or x-ing out God’s life. So YAHHHHH I had better wake up and fight! I don’t want to be spit out as lukewarm because I was careless and sleepy. (You know those sleepy days where you’re like… eh. I can let my mind wander… not think about the admirable and praiseworthy things. Eh I can complain about this annoying woman. Eh… I can read this stupid People magazine. It can’t hurt). But it sure can. Pretty soon all your head is full of is complaints, scandal, gossip, and half naked men or women. Heh… sorry my complaint is magazines. But anyway, there’s no point any even dwelling two seconds on those things. There are people to pray for, praises to sing, thanks to give, peace to receive, joy to laugh, terrifying aspects of God to ponder… well you get the picture. This morning, I spent outside instead of in the dark adoration chapel. With the world flung beneath me (I was kind of on this hill) I burbled praises up to the blue sky with no one but God to hear. It was lovely. I thought maybe that I could go on singing forever.

Just making the choice to praise instead of curse can set you back on the path to peace and righteousness and win the battle over sin for a moment.

Chronicles

Today: I had the first moment of jubilee "on the job" so to speak. JoVeta and I had a meeting with someone who has a grant to do research with a children's program. They are trying to get these great books about recognizing child illnesses (when to go to the doctor versus when it's ok to be at home etc) distributed. However, since it's research, it's complicated by pre and post surveys. Many of the parish nurses trying to get the books out are getting frustrated by a lack of partcipation and interest. As I was listening to their conversation, all of a sudden a thought came in unbidden. Then an order came. "Speak" So out tumbled my incomplete thought, "You know when we did surveys at my college, sometimes it helped if there was some kind of incentive" I can't even remember how the conversation went after that... but it seemed like ideas really started flowing. We talked about possible getting nursing student in the fall to help out. Now it's my job to write up a job description. Spanish speakers are preferred (also due to some of my comments).

What I've realized about changing the world is that if you have the right situation... it's really quite easy. All it takes is a fertile ground and a bunch of interested and committed people. Ha. That's the hard part... "the right situation" - fertile ground and interested/committed people. That's why I think it really depends on the Lord. I had no idea what I was going into this morning, but God did... and He was pretty excited about it. All of the rich college education you have had... all of the life experiences you've gained (painfully sometimes)... all of your gifts and dreams are valuable... and can be sowed into other's lives to really make a difference. Don't get discouraged, you never know what piece of you God wants to use to bring about shalom - wellness, wholeness, and flourishing.

Sunday: Church was fun. All the kids from camp yelled "KATIE!" and gave me hugs. I introduced myself to Alli's grandmother and she reached out and asked if she could touch my hair. She said "You are so pretty... I'm not quite blind... but..." and then touched both sides of my head. I had compliments from moms and little girls on my dress. (You know you have a good dress when BOTH the moms and the little girls like it) My mom says that I better learn that I'm beautiful. We had brunch at Granite City... it was amazing (I mean, who has ribs at brunch? JoVeta says that Tim and Sam love going to Granite City... because it has huge hamburgers. The brunch was all you could eat... and I was stuffed after one plate!) and expensive (I'm still not used to going out to eat!). I went for a run, but it just about killed me. I went a little too early when the sun was still out and the humidity was like 90%. EHHH

Saturday: I can't really remember what I did that day. However, I did something really cool that evening. I went and served at the Lord's Diner. The Lord's Diner is this amazing place that serves the homeless and lower income people food 365 days a year! It's paid for with donations and grants. They must serve 100-200 people every day. It's mad crazy. I served desserts. One man said that he'd take some jello, but my smile was better. After all the compliments I've had in my life... you would think that I would have great esteem... or a big head :) Hmmm (pats head) I think it's still the same size.

Friday: Oh my gosh... I completely forgot! I spent all of Thursday and Friday with the kids at VBS. That's right! There was so much I wanted to say... but I'm getting exhausted. Let's see. My shouldars still ache from doing "underdogs". I swear that kids' favorite phrase is "WATCH ME!" Sometimes I felt torn by five different little kids yelling "KATIE! Look at me!" I felt some progress at the two little boys I've fallen in love with. I seem to fall for the troubled ones. I told you about Brandon before. He's the little one that couldn't blow bubbles and was worried about the bugspray. He also draws pictures of people blowing up people in every means possible. Thursday he told me that my dive off the diving board was awesome. I said thanks off handedly right before he dove underwater. When he came up, I heard a faint "your welcome". I almost fell over in the water with surprise. It's not that he's rude... it was just icing on the cake for him. His brother Kollin is just a year or two older than him... and just as much a troublemaker. But the Friday, I thought my heart would break. Somehow the kids all know what "year" according to the Chinese calendar that they were born it. It was the funniest thing when they all erupted with "I'm a rat!" "I'm a dog" etc. Anyway, Kollin was like "my mom's a monkey" and Xoi was eating a banana. She decided to say... "You should give her this banana. She'll like it if she's a monkey" Of course she was joking, but it hit Kollin funny. I think maybe it's because of complicated family part of their life. At any rate, he had tears that rose and stood in his eyes. I valiantly tried to pretend I didn't see... and made Xoi apologize even though I knew she didn't "mean it". Boy did I just want to sweep him up and hold him tight.

I taught Xoi how to braid and how to play string games Jacob's ladder... cat's cradle... the works. In fact, I had five kids learning how by the end of bus ride. Kollin got as far as "cat's whiskers" and told me the next day that he still had the string. Xoi dragged me to meet her mother because she talks about me so much that her mom wanted to meet me. Phoenyx regularly throws his arms around me.

It's funny how the past haunts you. I called Phoenyx, Conner because he reminds me of a little red head that I used to swim with. I think that Patrick looks like a Brian because of my 5th grade love... and I'm pretty sure that Justin was supposed to be a Patrick. He's this slim middle schooler (one of the counselors) with long curly blond hair. He looks so much like someone out of a movie. I had it figured out at one point... but I've lost it. He also talks with a bit of a drawl that so reminds me of someone. I've got to figure this out. He's another one I've fallen in love with. (Yes Nick... you're right... you fall in love when you least expect it) but seeing that he's at least 7 years my junior :) Well let's just say I love them all - pretty equally. I'll put up pictures of camp if I get them.

Anyway, that should probably be all for now. I've done quite a bit once again. (Sorry Blake... I'm not doing to well on the chilling out) I knew that I would be happier doing something with a set schedule Thursday and Friday. Luckily, it was as much fun as it was work.

Popsicles

This evening was interrupted wonderfully by JoVeta's son and grandson. Sam is the famous grandchild who had part of his finger snapped off in a game of tug of war when the roped broke. Intense I know! I've seen it with my own eyes. It's not as bad as you would think... but it still looks pretty awful. Basically the pad behind the nail of his left ring finger is ripped off (and his finger's broken). Anyway, they came to fix JoVeta's tree which was bent to a 45 degree. Here we all are (minus me since I'm taking the picture). I thought you'd enjoy a picture of JoVeta finally! It's not a great pciture of anyone... but I felt funny snapping too many pictures - I mean I'm not the popparazzi or anything... whew I can't even spell that. So anyway, I had a fun moment... JoVeta went to get stakes and rope so Mike, Sam, and I were hanging out aimlessly. I was furiously trying to figure out some way to make them feel welcome and at home when I remembered we had bought popsicles at the grocery store (my request). I dashed inside and grabbed the box feeling full of trepidation. "I HOPE they'll accept them" I thought, "I always feel so rejected when I try to do something nice and people aren't on the same wavelength". Lucky me, they accepted the popsicles as happily as I gave them. I love this family so much already!

I officially met them on Friday when we dropped by to pick up some things and ended up having a lovely steak, potatoes, and brussel sprout dinner. Mike was delighted that I liked brussel sprouts (thank you grandfather and grandmother). (I had seconds - I must be one of the only people in the world that likes asparagus and spinach and brussel sprouts). They wanted to introduce me to Bridget (she's 21 just like me) but she's a counselor at the camp Sam was at when he injured his finger. However, they convinced her to come home July 1st to meet me which I thought was really sweet since I really am lonely for people my age. I haven't met one yet! I guess lonely wouldn't be quite the right word, because I must say that I'm enjoying this time on my own... but bored would be a good word. There's no one to confide in or laugh like mad with... that's why I eat up my time with the kids at church. Anyway, Bridget and I are apparently a lot alike - she wants to go to Africa and she loves playing soccer too. :)

Here are some more pictures of the house. Mom you're going to smile :)

This is the kitchen - it's the first view I saw coming into the house from the garage.

This is part of the living room. There's a big couch to the left that I'm currently sitting on composing this. I haven't taken pictures of my room yet, but I should. It's really nice. Ok well, that's it for this post. I'll post another one in a minute because there's just so much to catch up on.

R. I. P. BECAUSE IT'S FIXED!

"Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead."

You may all rest in peace because my computer has been raised from the dead! Apparently, it had a terrible dustbunny... not surprising since the condition of my room was extremely dusty. It also had a virus... but the little Russian techie said it was less of a problem than the dust bunny. Thank you very much for all of your prayers. I have been very calm this week.

Let's see... I have lots more to tell... but I can't concentrate at all.

BTW - BTK

By the way... now that I've caught you up on the week's news, I still need to process today. Today I learned more than I wanted to know about BTK. Bind Torture and Kill - the local serial killer from Wichita. Thankfully, he's behind bars... and he's been there for a while. JoVeta likes to tell me outrageous stories. Most of what I have to process is what we discuss. :)

Anyway, it turns out this BTK was the president on a board of another Lutheran church. (Yetta says that Lutheran churches just don't seem to be doing well). JoVeta says that it isn't Lutherans... (of course not) that churches are full of hypocrites and it could happen to any church. She mourns the fact that there seems to be no safe place. She also said that God works amazingly (because the pastor of the church where BTK was - has been able to minister greatly to the pastor of Yetta's church). Sometimes I get tired of her saying that God is so good. I am trying to figure out why. I like saying that God is good. Sometimes I think that I just hate it when people act like me because I want to go on thinking that I am unique. See what a terrible person I am? No more terrible that anyone else (I am getting better at not beating myself up) Other times, I think it's because I feel like we're talking about two different beings. She talks about God with so much confidence... and I feel like I can never get my mind around Him. He's always bigger than I think. He is good... but when I say it... I say it with a touch of awe. She says it like He's her next door neighbor. When I think about it in my head - I think it's a good thing. She is absolute in her confidence of him. And at her age... I think that's appropriate. Is it possible to be too confident in God? That seems like a ridiculous question. Maybe I'm just not used to other people talking about God so familiarly. It's what I want! I've always complained that people don't share how God is working in their life enough.

That's another thing that happened this school year. I got completely "religioused out". I was so lectured out that I couldn't stand to put one more fact in my head... not even a sermon. Everything just seems the same. I don't feel like I can learn any more head knowledge. I just need all the head knowledge to go to the heart. It's working... in the most biblical ways. I knew that when I felt the need to read James that I was in for it.

James starts out "Consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials and temptations of every kind" Oh boy... I'm going to spoil the Thursday email... but here goes. Right before my computer crashed I read Paul's words from Corinthians (I think)

"In our hearts, we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves, but on God, who raises the dead" 2 Cor 1:9. It came back to me in my hysterics the night my computer went. The next day I wrote it out again. "In our heart's we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God who raises the dead" Even a dead computer Lord? That was my question. The main point though... is not whether God will raise my dead computer, but whether I will rely on the Lord. I realized right away how important my computer was to me... and how much I relied on it. It held communication to my friends and family, it held achievements and papers I wrote for school, it held stories and dreams and poems I wrote... it seemed to hold everything. And then I thought... I must AT LEAST rely on God more than I seem to rely on this computer. It really does feel like a sentence of death to lose what you love... physical death sentences would be more terrible - but in the end it comes down to what you love. Do you love God- or something/someone else? You cannot love both. And God raises the dead. That's like whoa! :)

OK I had more to say, but I'm exhausted and it's late. So I bid you adieu. None of the last two entries were particularly coherent. I would hone the writing, but what the heck... I said I'd give you truth and nails. It doesn't have to be perfect :)

Eating truth and nails

Ever since my computer caught the plague... I've been avoiding all computers like they spread the plague. But then I thought about my enraptured audience and figured I better keep you updated. The last time I wrote a good entry was actually last wednesday (Seems so long ago!). Thursday was a wonderful day in which I astounded the kids with my capture the flag abilities (aka... I can run as fast as a middle school boy... great ;) Apparently I gave everyone something to talk about. Then we had pool time and all the little girls wanted me to hold them... or were having fun "scaring" me by going after my toes.

Friday was a fascinating day. I went to a lecture about elderly abuse and traveler crimes. I learned about a whole new species of criminals I never knew existed. At some points I was quite outraged. I wrote a whole Thursday email about it. But in the end... I was just plain sad. It seems that wherever there is sin, there ends up being quite a lot of sadness. Even though these people were even up to scamming a blind person by "sealing" his roof with water, it ends up being a tragic story when they have to face a life of riches built on lies and lives. Some of the elderly people they take advantage of do die... since their life savings has been pilfered. It's easy to be angry, but it's important to be sad. My conclusion that day is that sinful people need prayer... oh that means all of us :) Hehe... but seriously, people who sin and don't realize the consequences need a special prayer... and maybe a nudge of the truth.

Saturday was the marked a new low in the internship. Here's my deep confessions
June 16 God-journal entry

Saturday was a miserable day of realizing how bad it can be to be bored. I had planned to see UP but I didn't go because I was so bored of sitting. I started it out watching that intriguing but gravel-like in the stomach movie, Keith. (Note: I'm referring to the biblical verse that you can gorge yourself on a rich man's food but it will turn to gravel in your stomach later). Then I got depressed over Jesse McCartney being a "born again Christian" and putting out lousy, crude, and lewd music. (Note: There are some things I hate to admit... because I'm just plain weird! I mean... first of all... what am I doing paying attention to a pop star? Silly) Then I got frustrated with ATI stuff and didn't eat lunch. Then I wandered through Wichita looking at all the major book stores and being depressed by all the horrible books in the world. Then I got that blasted hankering for Howl's Moving Castle. (Note: I was tired of movies that I have no previous experience with - they always let me down) but I resisted the idea of spending $23 for it. Here comes the part I regret the most - I got the brilliant idea to stream the movie instead. Then I contracted a virus unknowingly. (Note: This feels very similar to having contracted a veneral disease... not that I would know from first hand experience... but it seemed like I was trying to fill a gaping hole with the same type of restless, grasping, promiscuous nature... and instead I got a big fat virus). Then I watched it on google videos. Then slowly my computer went to Hades (Percy Jackson - I've read you too much). (Note: saying my computer went to Hades is not supposed to be shocking... or refer to Hell. It refers explicitly to the land of the dead...which is why even in my God journal I noted that it was from reading too much about Greek mythology). Then I got hysterical. Then I forgot to lock all the doors. Then I woke in the middle of the night because Molly was barking her head off. Then Satan put fear in my heart. Then I came upstairs and found all the doors unlocked and the inner door to the garage open. Then I put on the alarm system and crept back to bed. As I lay shivering, I imagined every litttle sound as someone creeping around the house - and Molly wouldn't shush up from 1:40 am until 2:30 am, I lay cowering in a painful ball trying to sleep - but paralyzed in unreasonable fear. That was Saturday - corpulant and horrible.

This is a very exact, truthful, and painful account of the events of Saturday.

A continued exerpt from my God journal shows that Sunday was a breath of fresh air. Thankfully JoVeta came home that day... so no more sleeping in the house alone terrified.

Monday I took a Food Handlers class, visited the grocery, and tried to do banking (silly me... I forgot that I wouldn't have a bank here...)

Then by Tuesday I needed help processing things and wrote that journal entry. Tuesdays are crazy because we have hospital visits, pastoral care team meeting, staff meeting, and Three Trees Grief work. The computer guy at the church tells me that my computer files can't be saved - I cry. We visit R. and (get this) the father of the man who's selling JoVeta's deceased friend's estate. I call my dad who tells me not to give up on my computer. JoVeta adds hope by describing her Russian techie who we are waiting on to help me. I write thank you notes for graduation gifts (it hardly seems right to be graduated already when I still have friends graduating from high school!). Then we discussed George Tiller which is where I needed processing time.

JoVeta thought of him in a new light as a martyr. I was appalled. My processing went something like this. A martyr dies for Christ - not for "a cause". End thought. However, I do think I'm not praying enough for this town, JoVeta, my friends. New thought: Ever since my computer died... I've been thinking, "What does Satan want? He wants me to lose sight of the goal. He wants me to be so paralyzed in fear or selfishness that I neglect to pray for others. Solution - pray even harder. Any time I even think about the computer - I turn it into a prayer for someone else - Ceci, Alex, Nick Baas, Blake, Sarah, Vi... the list is endless.

Next we visited Yetta and talked more about Tiller. Yetta is the parish nurse in the Lutheran church where Tiller was shot. I love listening. Sometimes you can tell the most therapeutic medicine for somoene is to be listened to. People don't want even 1 word of advice, similar stories, or sympathy - just an "mmhmm" will suffice. Yetta speaks about how bad the hospital is. She thought it might have changed because of all the new ads claiming "patient centered care" but it hasn't changed a bit. She sat on a bed pan that bit into her legs for an hour because the CNA didn't come. They messed up her meds and her diet. I get so tired of hospitals and discouraged. How do you make any headway? To have a good staff - you have to start changing 1 heart at a time and I can't give someone compassion. We can do heart transplants, but only God can change stone into flesh. JoVeta has a little reminder on her computer that says...

I can't. He can. I'll let him.

So that's my motto when I think of hospitals. You can't let yourself get discouraged. The battle is already won.

Side note (this is still part of the journal entry) I missed my mom and MI today acutely. It seems like I don't really go a day without it. I love where I am so it seems contrary to be missing MI with so much pain, but I do! I miss my friends, my mom's hugs, my cats, movies with my dad, sleepovers, cherries, Lake MI, gardening. But's it's going to be over so fast! It really is. Once June is over I only have 1 more month.

Side note (still in the entry). I need to call Sara, David, Sarah, Jules, Hope, Rachel, Ceci... and others. I will call you guys and I am thinking of you!

So that's it - quite a lot in fact. There's quite a bit percolating in my little head. So much pain in everyone's life. But I did go for my first good long run. So to make sure I never have another day like Saturday or waste another moment worrying. Here's what I need to get:

Exercise, 1 hr of quiet time, outdoor time, journal time, ATI study time, and an attitude/focus on prayer NOT worry.

Something I discovered early in the internship is that I developed quite a vicious habit of stressing. The last months of school were absolute adrenaline, nonstop, no room for mistakes, busyness. If something came up, I panicked, fixed it, and went on dreading the next mistake. You know... mistakes are ok. I can't lose in this game. I have to keep telling myself that. I am the biggest loser. I already lost. I've already been redeemed. Now I just have to believe and respond in action. And bear fruit :) Mmmm I think I'll bear cherries

Love, Katie

Virus

So... I think God likes to teach me what it's like to deal without a computer considering the first week I was without one... and now my computer has contracted a terrible virus. I think it's utterly wiped out. I have no idea how to retrieve it. At least JoVeta has one. So that's where I am now... kind of despairing. If you could just pray for me... not to worry over things before they're completed (who knows... I'll probably be able to save the drive even if it costs me $200... and that's the most important part - saving all my photos, my thursday emails, my important school papers) Ahhh Lord, if only I better trusted your promises and your plans.

Fail

Misery. Doom. Shame.

I hate tests

I hate being tested

I hate feeling stupid

I am not good at trusting

I am not good at not worrying

I am not good at being humble

I hate ATI and NCLEX and most especially NURSING.

The END

And so the first passes

Meryl died today. I will never be able to go back with books.

Thank God she's with Him.

Bugspray and onions

Today I hopped on a schoolbus with random elementry age kids on the way to summer "games" camp. A sweet little girl named Abby let me sit with her. For just one brief minute I felt bereft... because as we passed a lavendar grey camry... I thought "Kids go together with Chris. I can't be with a whole bunch of kids without him!" (Hope camp is going well for you, my friend) Then two little girls nearby broke out whispering and giggling at me until they finally broke out "I like your braids"... "I like your shorts" "I like your purse". I was off to a good start. As I laughed through parachuting (not from a plane... you remember the little kid version of it right?) blind volleyball, amd hula-hooping while blowing bubbles... I saw things weren't always smooth. We had two very sullen children in our group - one who was rescued from watching TV all day. He took to me, or probably I took to him. He sat alone while we were trying to blow bubbles and do hula hoop...

"I can't blow bubbles... I've TRIED and TRIED. I don't want to hula-hoop." Then he came out with the real problem. "My dad's going to be mad at me. I brought the bug spray and now it's all gone."

"I bet you could take home one of the bugsprays that the camp has." I said

"The counselors will be mad at me." He objected

"Oh no... why don't we ask?"

There was one order taken care of. Later he ran up to me with a soda. "Can you open this up for me?" My goodness, I love children!

Cathy (the pastor) and I went to subway for lunch and both had onions in our subs. We laughed because we smelled like bugspray and onions... and we were going to visit people in the hospital! We had a riot but upon coming to the hospital, I sobered real quickly. Our patient had suffered asystole and coded whereupon she had a pacemaker implanted. She had tubes coming out everywhere... which I am used too... but never comfortable with. She couldn't even talk poor thing. We didn't stay near long enough to my mind. I'm entirely sure that the worst thing is to be in the hospital with no one to talk to... and even when they do come... you can't talk! I would just want someone to stay close... maybe read to me from a book. Maybe next time I visit, I'll bring a book.

It's looking like severe weather again. We already had hail and a tornado warning. I'm LOVING the wild weather. I always did like storms.

My ATI stuff was extremely frustrating yesterday, so after calling my mom when I thought I was going to go mad... I took the day off and read two extremely long books. I'm sure I shot my eyes out... but it was worth it. Francine Rivers is quite an author. I remembered quickly how Kristina wanted me to read Redeeming Love... but I think "A Voice in the Wind" and "An Echo in the Darkness" even better if possible. What I find intriguing about the books is the combination of healing and spirituality that occurs in the second book. It's a lot like what I tried to speak about in my 19 page honors paper. 100% of people's health is complicated by their finances, their social life, their sins, their diet. Half the time people just need a gentle touch and a listening ear and they feel better. Love given in God's name does physical miracles. And you can't separate the physical problems from it. The doctor can repair your heart... but you will just end up back in the hospital if you don't stop giving yourself high blood pressure with stress and poor diet. Even more beautiful is the fact that I first saw the book "A Voice in the Wind" in someone's hands on the airplane coming home. It's definitely and God implant. Let's hope it blooms in some way. :)

I feel more at home... the more people I meet. I heard someone playing the piano in the church... and commented. Then I realized they were playing warm up scales. They weren't going to play piano... they were going to sing. Cathy said, "Oh it's opera season... and we have a GREAT choir. Sometimes members who are in the opera come to practice here" Later as we flew past the room, she paused and said..."It's M... (Yeah... I can't spell his name) Have you met him?" And with that she swept me into the room. I stared into a handsome face with dark curls above the piano. He got up and shook my hand and said "I've read about you in the newsletter (groan... EVERYBODY seems to have!) so I feel like I know something about you" I don't know what I replied... but then Cathy swept me back out... and said "Everybody has a crush on him" Whereby I sincerely replied, "I think he's too old for me" (I do think he is. It's very difficult to place an age on him. But I think he's at least 30) Undaunted Cathy said, "Just wait till you hear him sing"

I can't wait! However, don't worry. I am in no mood to fall in love.

On that note, I bid you adieu :)

Much love (and prayer!)
Katie

The klutz queen

So today I had my first meeting with the pastor. After our extensive tour - in which I got very turned around - she said, (YES... it's a she!) "What do you want for your internship? And I was like... "I thought you were going to tell me what to do" It's kind of crazy working with two separate mediums - nursing and ministry. Yet they are intertwined for me. I'm not really sure what I'm trying to get out of it. (specifically from the church I mean). I simply expected to be connected with it in whatever JoVeta was doing. I love people... I love kids. I don't want to spend all the time with kids. I want to learn how to write a good sermon... because I love writing and teaching. I don't really want to shadow a pastor in all regard though since I'm pretty sure I'm not a pastor - I'm a prophet. There's a big difference. I've written a Thursday email consistently for about 3 years now. My mom thinks I should try to turn it into a devotional for teens. I don't want to write another trite, self-help, mundane little thing that will clog up the arteries of the bookstore. I do think my mom's idea has potential. I'm just not sure how that gets into the picture. My biggest interest is in people themselves. I'd like to be involved in the grief support groups, the children's ministry, and the homeless outreach. I'm innovative - so maybe I'll dream up some things to add to the ministry (like that Farmer's Market of Jonathan's church... that is a really cool idea). Perhaps though... what I suspect is the most important... is for me to be me and to bring God's new life to everyone I meet in specific ways. I already have a lot of things on my mind that I'm not exactly sure belong in a public blog. I am praying hard for JoVeta, my neighborhood, the little ones under this post who don't know the love of Christ, and for so many other things that are breaking my heart. And of course, as always... I'm praying for you with lots of thought and love.

After the meeting, I got back to the car and promptly found I had locked myself out! (Now I do have one excuse for being such a klutz). I have two pairs of key chains... one for the house/car and one for the church.) I called triple A and waited for an hour... which gave me time to browse the Economy corner... which is a really neat thrift store that the church runs (speaking of neat ministries). I bought a copy of the Scarlet Pimpernel for 35 cents... and promptly read it in two hours. (Course I did skim through because I've read it so many times).

But that act is NOTHING compared to my flight klutz. Upon receiving the customary glass of water given to passengers on a flight, I promptly dumped the entire glass into my seat. And furthermore, I sat in it for the remainder of the flight. I honestly didn't think there was anything anyone could do. Only later, when I asked the flight attendant for a new glass of water explaining my predicament did I realize rescue was possible... when the attendant said I could have a new cushion. However, by then the damage was irrevocable. My jeans were soaked through to the bone. :).

And of course (mom you're going to be sad - I keep forgetting to tell you). I lost the bathrobe my mother bought just for propriety's sake... but I had used CONSTANTLY (since being sick makes one very cold) Sorry mom. You're right that I needed it! I miss it.

And before that I left my boarding pass on the plane....

And... well you get the idea. I tend to be rather scatterbrained. I don't think it's getting any better considering today. But all's well that ends well. Thank you Jesus! :)

Much love,
Katie

Family

Here's a terrible picture of me... with Hannah. We had a lot of fun :)



Look at those eyelashes!




Mac is Hannah's cousin. He turned three. That's a candle he's fixated on. It was said of them that they could sell Gap...

Yup. Pure cuteness

A conglomeration of things

There's no good way to sum up the last four days. It's been a whirlwind of activity. We took on some pretty deep topics in our parish nursing class... things like grief and loss and abuse. When we got on the abuse topic, my hair got all raised again. I always forget how awful people can treat each other. Watch out for your grandparents that they don't get taken in by some fast-talking person. Your grandparents probably aren't at that much of a risk. The worst of it is... the lonely old people. These terrible families who don't love on their old folks. A little old granny who got taken advantage of, will often say, "but he was a nice young man... and he called me every day!" That swindler was probably the only person who ever called her. DARN it peoples! Adopt an elderly person. Share your love. Don't let loneliness predispose ANYONE... whatever their age... to being taken advantage of. Women would rather stay in an abusive relationship, because "he touches me" - even in an ugly way. Humanity can't live without love, touch, care. What makes me, me? The drive to make sure that every single person I meet goes away knowing that someone cares about them. It's not just to be nice. It's to save lives.

I was just reading about a book called, "Monster". The commentary said that people don't become criminals overnight. In class, we talk about the layers and layers that cover up a person who is stuck in an abusive relationship. That person cannot begin to get out of their situation unless someone helps peel back the layers. That's our job. With the power of Christ, we can peel back layers of hate, abuse, or plain neglect... that have encoffined (new word) people in death. The gospel is a message of freedom and life! HUZZAH. Hehe... ok

Back to life. The ladies ended up being quite precious to me. They were a great group and so funny. They called me the hope for the future. (Can't wait until I get to the age where I'm telling someone young whipppersnapper that they're the hope for the future!). It was a treat to graduate with them on Friday. I actually got a little certificate... so I guess I could be an official parish nurse.... if I only had a parish... teehee.

Yesterday, my big adventure was to eat (I think they were raw) oysters. They weren't too bad! We also had shrimp, sushi, and calamari. It was quite the seafood night. It's a good thing that I figured out I like seafood as long as it doesn't taste like the sea. Today we went to the beach! :) I'm just working SO HARD. :) I've been playing a lot with Hannah. She is so cute! I'll post pictures when I get back to my computer in KS. Ok well I should probably get going. Thanks for all you who are reading this. I love you so much.

Katie

Little Boy Plays Monopoly

Hello everyone,
There is currently ONE available computer... and a little boy monopolizes it most of the time, so you probably won't hear as much from me. I'm in a class from 9-5 with women who are at least 30-40 years older than me :) It's a loooooong time to be in class. Multiply two hour classes by 4 and you have my schedule. I have a binder that's seriously 3 inches thick. It covers everything from prayer and ministry to self-care to ethics.

I'm staying in a lodge called Saint Paul's... only the S has slipped so it looks kind of like Aint Pauls... which is very amusing to me. I haven't visited the beach yet. Oh and I should probably explain what I'm doing in Florida. JoVeta is teaching the parish nurse prep class and I came along for the ride basically. I think I'll get a certificate. Unfortunately I can't get CEU (continuing education unit) credits... since I don't actually have my license.

I'm a little panicked because I said I would start my ATI nursing training online this week... but now I can't because of the limited/solo computer. I hope they can reset me for next week. Please pray that it works out. I think it's something minor... and I'm trying really hard not to be worried. I generally worry about everything. But I've set out the principle that it's useless to worry about something that is open-ended. It could turn out positively as easily as it could turn out negatively so why dwell on negative possibilities? Besides God is in charge... and He is good. So even if it doesn't work out like I think it should... it will work out for the good.

Also, pray for JoVeta. If you noticed the news... a man in Wichita was shot in church on Sunday. He did late late term abortions... like day before birth abortions (shudder) but I don't suppose shooting him was the answer. Anyway, JoVeta went to high school with him. He lost his whole family (mother father sister) in one fell airplane swoop and had to take over his father's practice/give up his dreams. So I'm sure there was plenty reason for the brokenness in his life. Plus, JoVeta has poured much prayer into his life. So it's just a shock for her.

Still missing you all very much... being stuck with elderly women is no joke although they are sometimes friendlier than college girls :)

Much love and prayers,
Katie